There When You Need Him

A plan. Of course. The clamor of fear subsides a bit. The pines are still, afternoon sunlight slanting through their branches. Teddy’s presence soothes me, and as the river moves along on its inexorable journey, I begin to think about tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that. My thoughts turn to the different possible consequences of the medical tests, and to Arnie. I realize I can’t hide my feelings from my husband—they are too strong. But how much to tell him? What to ask for?
“Time for me to go,” Teddy says, startling me from my thoughts.
I nod. “Thank you for helping me.”
He smiles and scrapes his chair back. He walks to the stairs, turns and waves. “Goodbye,” I whisper. Then he’s gone.
A bit later, Louie mounts the stairs and sails toward my table, fumbling under his apron for a match. “How about a vodka gimlet? I know you like them.” He lights a small citronella candle.
“No, thanks. I’ve got to get on the road.”
“Ah. Well, it was good to see you again, Emily. Sorry we didn’t get a chance to visit.” He stands close and beams down at me past his double chins and stained expanse of apron. “Say hello to Arnie for me.”
“I will. And my best to Karen.” I get to my feet and snake my arms around his girth, giving him a squeeze.
“Bye, you,” he mutters, then turns and vanishes by increments down the stairs.
From the dirt parking lot I can look up to the deck in the fading light and glimpse the table where I’d spent the afternoon. Now I have a plan, or at least the beginning of one.
This is what I’ll do: I’m going home to Arnie and tell him I’m scared and ask him to help me. I’ll be calm when I ask him, so he won’t shrink from me, dismayed by the weight of my need. I’ll ask him for what he is capable of giving me—simple, concrete things like going with me to the doctor’s, and holding me in the night. I’ll help him with his feelings, as I have in the past. We will comfort each other as best we can.
But for the rest of it, when I must eventually go to a place where no one else can be with me, when I will have to lay down my fear, catch Death’s eye, and nod . . . well, then, it’ll just be me—and Teddy.

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